Agonizing Day 10/8/09

Dear Blog ---- yesterday was a B-A-D day. Nothing humorous to say. Us girls had several things to talk to daddy about and it didn't go well. He spoke to us with words that I have never heard come out of his mouth. His biggest issue is 'his' money and I will admit that is when he lost all common and Christian sense he has ever had. His girls asked him not to carry so much money in his wallet when he goes out. To me, if I have $100 in cash, I'm rich. To him, he thinks he has to carry $1000 in case he needs it. We tried to convince him to please leave it in an envelope at home and just take what he needs for the day but he refuses. He not only refused but he got so mad, he used cuss words in describing HIS money. I've never heard my daddy speak like that and we all sat at the table with our mouths dropped open. He beat his fist on the table and got in my face. At one time I truly thought he was going to slap me. Thank goodness he didn't. My dad has always been in charge of his money. He use to give ma-ma a little here and there but we never had reason to question his judgment. We are questioning it now but don't know whether to pursue this issue or just let him alone. He can't see well and Mary says he stands at the counter of Krystal every weekday morning going through his wallet trying to find the right denomination. Everyone in the place knows he carries a big 'wad'. I know it's dangerous and we tried to explain that. He actually accused me of being a 'thief' because all I wanted was his money and who was I to care how much money he carried around. Well ---- I don't know who I am anymore. I thought I knew but now I don't think he is my father any more. What have I done to make him so suspicious of me all of a sudden? I have a Power of Attorney on him and mother which gives me any legal power I need to handle ANY and ALL of his affairs but I never would do anything that he didn't want done. I respected him too much and loved him too much. It was never an issue until now. All of a sudden I'm out to get his money. I'm sure there are people reading this who think that is entirely possible. Others know me and my family and know it is ridiculous to even consider.
Why am I putting myself through this? It's days like this that make me want to throw up my hands and just give my parents to someone else to raise. lol I hate questioning myself and my motives. I've done this over and over and over. My only motive is to help them in their old age and try to make them as happy and content as possible and to make their lives easier. I tried to pray for help to know what to do but I will admit that I can't. What is happening to me? Why all the doubt about everything ----- whose life am I living ----- surely not mine.