Agonizing Day 10/8/09

Dear Blog ---- yesterday was a B-A-D day. Nothing humorous to say. Us girls had several things to talk to daddy about and it didn't go well. He spoke to us with words that I have never heard come out of his mouth. His biggest issue is 'his' money and I will admit that is when he lost all common and Christian sense he has ever had. His girls asked him not to carry so much money in his wallet when he goes out. To me, if I have $100 in cash, I'm rich. To him, he thinks he has to carry $1000 in case he needs it. We tried to convince him to please leave it in an envelope at home and just take what he needs for the day but he refuses. He not only refused but he got so mad, he used cuss words in describing HIS money. I've never heard my daddy speak like that and we all sat at the table with our mouths dropped open. He beat his fist on the table and got in my face. At one time I truly thought he was going to slap me. Thank goodness he didn't. My dad has always been in charge of his money. He use to give ma-ma a little here and there but we never had reason to question his judgment. We are questioning it now but don't know whether to pursue this issue or just let him alone. He can't see well and Mary says he stands at the counter of Krystal every weekday morning going through his wallet trying to find the right denomination. Everyone in the place knows he carries a big 'wad'. I know it's dangerous and we tried to explain that. He actually accused me of being a 'thief' because all I wanted was his money and who was I to care how much money he carried around. Well ---- I don't know who I am anymore. I thought I knew but now I don't think he is my father any more. What have I done to make him so suspicious of me all of a sudden? I have a Power of Attorney on him and mother which gives me any legal power I need to handle ANY and ALL of his affairs but I never would do anything that he didn't want done. I respected him too much and loved him too much. It was never an issue until now. All of a sudden I'm out to get his money. I'm sure there are people reading this who think that is entirely possible. Others know me and my family and know it is ridiculous to even consider.
Why am I putting myself through this? It's days like this that make me want to throw up my hands and just give my parents to someone else to raise. lol I hate questioning myself and my motives. I've done this over and over and over. My only motive is to help them in their old age and try to make them as happy and content as possible and to make their lives easier. I tried to pray for help to know what to do but I will admit that I can't. What is happening to me? Why all the doubt about everything ----- whose life am I living ----- surely not mine.

The Bible tells us that if we honor our parents that our days will be long upon the earth. Well ----- I have some mixed feelings about that. I know God understands. IF I find myself in the situation that my parents are currently in, I would pray that God would just take me home to that glorious place He promised --- Heaven. The thing that bothers me most is the fact that Jack and Eula seem so unhappy and discontented. I understand, I truly do. They lead a very active lifestyle for so long and now they are dependent on others for almost everything in their lives. It pains my heart to see my dad's depression and to see his struggle to remain a 'man' -- in control of what is left of his life. His girls use to worry about things he would do like using his riding mower to cut the grass, using the weedeater, the electric hedge clippers, etc. We have come to understand that he likes doing his own yard work. If this gives him pleasure, we accept the fact that if something bad happens, he will go to be with God with a smile on his face --- doing something he likes to do. Don't get me wrong, we tried to convince him to let his family or even a 'paid' yard person do the yards. He has plowed into the back of his car with the riding mower because he couldn't see what gear it was in. He put a good dent in the bumper but doesn't admit that it's 'that' bad. He has cut the extension cord countless numbers of times with the hedge clippers because he can't see where the cord is while he is trimming. And, he has gotten too hot and has passed out in the yard. Upon waking up, there is no one to hear him call for help. He continues to want to work in the yard anyway. He has also been known to climb the ladder to clean out the gutters, use the chain saw to cut big limbs, climb into the attic to fix a water pipe when it was over 120 degrees up there. We rejoice that he is finally too weak to start the chain saw now. To help us feel somewhat better about his work in the yard, we asked dad to please do this when Mary is there so she can 'watch' him and know if he needs help or passes out again. He usually will wait, however, until she has gone home before he ventures out. It concerns us that mother cannot hear him when he calls her. At least she hasn't yet when he has passed out twice before. Even if she DID hear him, we know she could not help him get up and we wonder if she would even know how to go back in the house to call 911 or any of her girls. Here again, if God takes our daddy while he is in the yard, we are okay with this and we will praise His name for taking daddy on to Heaven. I talk big -- like we have quit worrying about him. I'm not fooling anyone -- we still worry. We just don't know what else to do. Is this a pleasure that we should keep trying to deprive him of in his last days or should we just let him alone to enjoy himself in his own yard? We will continue to take care of him when he cuts off an arm, or breaks a hip, or has a concussion from a fall. We just love him but we admit to wanting to strangle him sometimes. Is God testing us? Hmmmmmm .................

Bringing you to this point --

Hello -
I have proceeded to set up a blog space so as to have a journal of 'happenings' in my life. Currently, the main subject will be devoted to my precious and dear parents, Jack & Eula. I want to bring you up to date which may take me several postings. To begin with, my dad is 93.5 years old. He is in fairly decent physical health for his age, but his mind is beginning to forget a whole lot of stuff he use to be able to handle. Dad is very hard of hearing but refuses to wear his hearing aid. His three daughters are convinced that it is a 'vain' issue with him. He also has macular degeneration and has very poor eyesight. He is dependent upon his caregiver, Mary, to drive him wherever he needs to go for whatever reason. His driver's license was revoked after his situation was brought to the attention of the DMV by his three girls. (We're in the picture.) This continues to be a very sore subject with him and he holds it against us even though he says he is 'okay' with it and knows he doesn't need to be driving. More on this particular issue later.
Mother just turned 88 years old this month and she suffers with alzheimer's disease. She needs help with about every aspect of daily life although she seems fairly happy and content to merely sit in her recliner and cut out pictures from magazines. She tapes them on the wall for all to enjoy. There are old Christmas cards mixed in with pictures of dogs, cats, flowers, scenery, etc. It's her home and her wall so who cares if it makes her happy. Mother has trouble walking but has to this date refused to let us put her in the transport chair we bought. She is not an invalid, she just can't walk and we are terrible daughters for asking her to embarrasse herself and just ride in the chair. More on this topic later too ----
I could go on and on. I sit here thinking of things to tell you about and I'm getting excited about the prospect of letting all this emotion 'out'. You are going to be my sounding board -- dear blog spot.
All for now ----