Dear Blog,
I had planned to sign in and change some 'things' I said in my last post but, I changed my mind. Instead, let me try to just say something here and hopefully you will understand a little better.
My dad has not changed in his old age when it comes to being very active, headstrong, and impatient. It is a known fact by all his friends and family that Jack doesn't stay anywhere for very long. If you have him for lunch or supper or Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving, etc. he happily comes and seems to enjoy the company of everyone. After we eat, he is pretty much ready to go. He has always been this way and even though we laugh about it now, he hasn't changed over the years. We joke about the time Joan and I went with he and mother out west -- in 1998 I believe it was. We saw so many places that I will probably never see again in my lifetime, my favorite being the Grand Canyon. When we arrived, the main road into the most popular part of the Canyon was busy with cars and vacationers. We could not find a park anywhere. Dad told mom, me and Joan to just get out of the car and go see the Canyon and that he would drive around and come back and get us in a few minutes. So -- here we go, the three of us walking toward the rim to take a peek. AWESOME, AWESOME!! I could have just sat there all day looking at God's handiwork. Mom wouldn't let us go far due to the fact that we had to keep an eye out for the car when dad got back around to where he let us out. That was our visit to the most beautiful place on earth IMHO (in my humble opinion). We kid about the fact that he slowed down, we jumped out, ran over to the rim, took a quick look, and then jumped back in the car and off we went to the next 'stop' on our trip. Thank goodness, I had one more chance to go back to the Grand Canyon when Jim and I went with mom and dad some years later to most of the same places we had seen in 1998. In 1998, the goal of that trip was for my dad to see the Redwood Forest. Here again, we actually got to the national park before it opened but we were able to drive through a narrow road and see the magnificent trees. We even parked one time and got out and took pictures. Then we jump back into the car and that was our visit to the Redwood Forest. We were then on our way home from that point on.
So, it is just a fact that my daddy 'don't let any grass grow under his feet'. The most heartbreaking thing that has happened to my daddy is that his eyesight got so bad that he had to quit driving and could not jump up and go when he wanted to. He is at the mercy of the caregiver or us so now he has to sit and wait until somebody takes him home if we are together as a family group. We have come to watch for his 'pacing' and we know he's ready to go. We accept how he is and understand he has been that way as long as we've known him. Maybe I'm seeing his 'uneasiness' or whatever you want to call it, as discontentment when it's just 'him'. I want so badly for him to quit fighting so hard and to simply be content and happy with his life. Well, dear blog, that's not who my daddy is and it never will be. I want him to have a 'PEACE' but he just can't -- not like I interpret 'peace'. I think he will pace until which time the Lord calls him home. I hope you understand now? I love my daddy so much. I want him to be happy and not to worry about anything. I want him to let us take care of him. I guess I'm the one who needs 'peace' about his 'pacing'.
I titled this post to let you know of a change that is going to take place. Jack and Eula's three girls have been through some tough times in the last couple of years with our parents. We were able to get a wonderful lady named Mary Ann to take care of them part of the day. She has been a God-send for us as well as mother and daddy. Starting at the first of the new year, my older sister, Joan, will be taking on a new job as mom and dad's caregiver. She will be retiring from her nursing job at Baptist South. The logistics are wonderful in that she will be able to be with them most of the day -- a little longer than Mary stays now. Dad is happy for her to be with them and mother is ecstatic. Joan has been working 12 hr. shifts at the hospital from 7:00 a.m.-7:00 p.m. for many years so she will have an adjustment getting back to a 'normal' day. She is looking forward to it needless to say. For now mom and dad are okay at night and do not need 24 hr. care. One day they will and we'll cross that bridge when it comes. So --- this is our 'change'. We know it will be for the better and are thrilled to be able to help mom and dad stay in their home. I ask my blog readers to please pray for Joan to have the patience and endurance she needs for this new endeavor in her life.
All for now ---- more later. I need to tell you about Halloween night and what happened to mother -- thanks to my daddy taking her next door to see the neighbor's very animated witchly decorations.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
It's Catch Up day!!
It's about time I got back to my blog and I'll have to apologize for being gone so long. A couple of weeks or more have passed since my last post that left you in a 'bad place'. I'm relieved to say that 'things' have smoothed over with dad and we are okay now. He called the next day after we had a terrible meeting and he apologized for his anger and for talking like he did. I briefly said to him that I was sorry too and that I only wanted his love and approval but that he still needed to be more careful not to carry so much money when he left home. He seemed to agree but I still, to this day, do not know what he carries in his wallet. We are moving on to climb other obstacles.
Dad was in the hospital for two days somewhere during October. He complained with having trouble breathing and said he 'hurt' in his chest. Turned out he had pleuresy and the beginnings of pneumonia. In the hospital he was given a high powered antibiotic through an IV and he went home with more antibiotics to take by mouth. He got to feeling better several days after he got home and was back to 'normal'. Then --- a week or so after that episode, he called Jackie at work and said he could not breathe and he needed to go to the ER. He waited until Mary left for the day which was around 1:00 p.m. Jackie left work and took him to the ER where I met them a little later. They did blood work, another chest x-ray and had him on a heart monitor for several hours. They could not find anything wrong with him and when Dr. Barksdale came by in the afternoon, he let dad go home with a prescription for Xanax. He seemed to think dad was having a type of panic attack. He told dad to take the pill only when he thought he was starting to 'hurt' and to lay back in his recliner and give it a while to work. After initially questioning this decision and after Jackie and I talked about it at the ER, we figured it might not be a bad idea. This brought to mind something that I think we need to talk about with daddy. We think dad is scared of dying --- to the point that he gets where he can't breathe and he wants someone with him. He did wait until Mary left before he called Jackie but I wonder if he wasn't feeling well and it got worse after he realized he was alone. He decided to call Jackie who works fairly close by to take him to be 'checked out'.
I'm leaving dad now to go off on something I want to say ---- I know that dying is something we all are going to do. Christians need have no fear of death -- we know what is next -- in the blink of an eye we will be in a much, much better place. I guess since we are all human, the 'unknown' is something to fear. This is where a Christian's faith comes in. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Think of your birthday when you were young. You were excited and anxious for gifts and special things on that day. But, some things were also a surprise. Birthdays combine assurance and anticipation. Does not 'faith'do this too? Faith is the conviction based on past experience that God's new and fresh surprises will surely be ours. The two words that describe faith are 'sure' and 'certain'. We begin by knowing that God is who he says he is, and we end with believing in God's promises -- that he will do what he says he will do. When we believe that God will fulfill his promises even though we don't see those promises materializing yet, we demonstrate true faith. John 20:29 quotes Jesus when he was speaking to doubting Thomas -- "Because you have seen me, you have believed, blessed are those who have NOT seen and yet have believed."
So ---- I don't know exactly what to do about my dad at this moment. I know he has faith. Am I in a place where I should talk with him about 'faith'?? Who am I to preach to my father who served as an Elder in the church for many years?? Should I maybe ask someone else to talk with him?? Why do I feel so compelled to bring up 'dying' and ask him if he is ready?? It makes me so very sad to think that he is afraid to die. Am I reading it wrong?? Should I just keep quiet and let him struggle with this by himself?? My dad is a fighter. We all know that. I wish he were more a 'lover'. lol I want so badly for he and mother to live out the remainder of their lives in peace and comfort -- knowing that they are SO loved by so many friends and family. Why do I feel like he is fighting 'the end' with everything in him?? I've heard my mother say so many times that she is ready to go be with her Lord. I've never heard my daddy say that. Please friends --- help me with this one. I --- deep down in my heart and soul --- need to know how to help him. Or maybe I just need to let him alone. Maybe it's just me --- reading it all wrong.
Please pray for my mother and father -- God knows what they need and I DO know that he will never forsake them. They are in His hands.
This was a long post. I feel like I may have said things wrong -- that I couldn't explain what I wanted to say from my soul. Please understand ---
Dad was in the hospital for two days somewhere during October. He complained with having trouble breathing and said he 'hurt' in his chest. Turned out he had pleuresy and the beginnings of pneumonia. In the hospital he was given a high powered antibiotic through an IV and he went home with more antibiotics to take by mouth. He got to feeling better several days after he got home and was back to 'normal'. Then --- a week or so after that episode, he called Jackie at work and said he could not breathe and he needed to go to the ER. He waited until Mary left for the day which was around 1:00 p.m. Jackie left work and took him to the ER where I met them a little later. They did blood work, another chest x-ray and had him on a heart monitor for several hours. They could not find anything wrong with him and when Dr. Barksdale came by in the afternoon, he let dad go home with a prescription for Xanax. He seemed to think dad was having a type of panic attack. He told dad to take the pill only when he thought he was starting to 'hurt' and to lay back in his recliner and give it a while to work. After initially questioning this decision and after Jackie and I talked about it at the ER, we figured it might not be a bad idea. This brought to mind something that I think we need to talk about with daddy. We think dad is scared of dying --- to the point that he gets where he can't breathe and he wants someone with him. He did wait until Mary left before he called Jackie but I wonder if he wasn't feeling well and it got worse after he realized he was alone. He decided to call Jackie who works fairly close by to take him to be 'checked out'.
I'm leaving dad now to go off on something I want to say ---- I know that dying is something we all are going to do. Christians need have no fear of death -- we know what is next -- in the blink of an eye we will be in a much, much better place. I guess since we are all human, the 'unknown' is something to fear. This is where a Christian's faith comes in. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Think of your birthday when you were young. You were excited and anxious for gifts and special things on that day. But, some things were also a surprise. Birthdays combine assurance and anticipation. Does not 'faith'do this too? Faith is the conviction based on past experience that God's new and fresh surprises will surely be ours. The two words that describe faith are 'sure' and 'certain'. We begin by knowing that God is who he says he is, and we end with believing in God's promises -- that he will do what he says he will do. When we believe that God will fulfill his promises even though we don't see those promises materializing yet, we demonstrate true faith. John 20:29 quotes Jesus when he was speaking to doubting Thomas -- "Because you have seen me, you have believed, blessed are those who have NOT seen and yet have believed."
So ---- I don't know exactly what to do about my dad at this moment. I know he has faith. Am I in a place where I should talk with him about 'faith'?? Who am I to preach to my father who served as an Elder in the church for many years?? Should I maybe ask someone else to talk with him?? Why do I feel so compelled to bring up 'dying' and ask him if he is ready?? It makes me so very sad to think that he is afraid to die. Am I reading it wrong?? Should I just keep quiet and let him struggle with this by himself?? My dad is a fighter. We all know that. I wish he were more a 'lover'. lol I want so badly for he and mother to live out the remainder of their lives in peace and comfort -- knowing that they are SO loved by so many friends and family. Why do I feel like he is fighting 'the end' with everything in him?? I've heard my mother say so many times that she is ready to go be with her Lord. I've never heard my daddy say that. Please friends --- help me with this one. I --- deep down in my heart and soul --- need to know how to help him. Or maybe I just need to let him alone. Maybe it's just me --- reading it all wrong.
Please pray for my mother and father -- God knows what they need and I DO know that he will never forsake them. They are in His hands.
This was a long post. I feel like I may have said things wrong -- that I couldn't explain what I wanted to say from my soul. Please understand ---
Friday, October 9, 2009
Agonizing Day 10/8/09
Dear Blog ---- yesterday was a B-A-D day. Nothing humorous to say. Us girls had several things to talk to daddy about and it didn't go well. He spoke to us with words that I have never heard come out of his mouth. His biggest issue is 'his' money and I will admit that is when he lost all common and Christian sense he has ever had. His girls asked him not to carry so much money in his wallet when he goes out. To me, if I have $100 in cash, I'm rich. To him, he thinks he has to carry $1000 in case he needs it. We tried to convince him to please leave it in an envelope at home and just take what he needs for the day but he refuses. He not only refused but he got so mad, he used cuss words in describing HIS money. I've never heard my daddy speak like that and we all sat at the table with our mouths dropped open. He beat his fist on the table and got in my face. At one time I truly thought he was going to slap me. Thank goodness he didn't. My dad has always been in charge of his money. He use to give ma-ma a little here and there but we never had reason to question his judgment. We are questioning it now but don't know whether to pursue this issue or just let him alone. He can't see well and Mary says he stands at the counter of Krystal every weekday morning going through his wallet trying to find the right denomination. Everyone in the place knows he carries a big 'wad'. I know it's dangerous and we tried to explain that. He actually accused me of being a 'thief' because all I wanted was his money and who was I to care how much money he carried around. Well ---- I don't know who I am anymore. I thought I knew but now I don't think he is my father any more. What have I done to make him so suspicious of me all of a sudden? I have a Power of Attorney on him and mother which gives me any legal power I need to handle ANY and ALL of his affairs but I never would do anything that he didn't want done. I respected him too much and loved him too much. It was never an issue until now. All of a sudden I'm out to get his money. I'm sure there are people reading this who think that is entirely possible. Others know me and my family and know it is ridiculous to even consider.
Why am I putting myself through this? It's days like this that make me want to throw up my hands and just give my parents to someone else to raise. lol I hate questioning myself and my motives. I've done this over and over and over. My only motive is to help them in their old age and try to make them as happy and content as possible and to make their lives easier. I tried to pray for help to know what to do but I will admit that I can't. What is happening to me? Why all the doubt about everything ----- whose life am I living ----- surely not mine.
Why am I putting myself through this? It's days like this that make me want to throw up my hands and just give my parents to someone else to raise. lol I hate questioning myself and my motives. I've done this over and over and over. My only motive is to help them in their old age and try to make them as happy and content as possible and to make their lives easier. I tried to pray for help to know what to do but I will admit that I can't. What is happening to me? Why all the doubt about everything ----- whose life am I living ----- surely not mine.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Bible tells us that if we honor our parents that our days will be long upon the earth. Well ----- I have some mixed feelings about that. I know God understands. IF I find myself in the situation that my parents are currently in, I would pray that God would just take me home to that glorious place He promised --- Heaven. The thing that bothers me most is the fact that Jack and Eula seem so unhappy and discontented. I understand, I truly do. They lead a very active lifestyle for so long and now they are dependent on others for almost everything in their lives. It pains my heart to see my dad's depression and to see his struggle to remain a 'man' -- in control of what is left of his life. His girls use to worry about things he would do like using his riding mower to cut the grass, using the weedeater, the electric hedge clippers, etc. We have come to understand that he likes doing his own yard work. If this gives him pleasure, we accept the fact that if something bad happens, he will go to be with God with a smile on his face --- doing something he likes to do. Don't get me wrong, we tried to convince him to let his family or even a 'paid' yard person do the yards. He has plowed into the back of his car with the riding mower because he couldn't see what gear it was in. He put a good dent in the bumper but doesn't admit that it's 'that' bad. He has cut the extension cord countless numbers of times with the hedge clippers because he can't see where the cord is while he is trimming. And, he has gotten too hot and has passed out in the yard. Upon waking up, there is no one to hear him call for help. He continues to want to work in the yard anyway. He has also been known to climb the ladder to clean out the gutters, use the chain saw to cut big limbs, climb into the attic to fix a water pipe when it was over 120 degrees up there. We rejoice that he is finally too weak to start the chain saw now. To help us feel somewhat better about his work in the yard, we asked dad to please do this when Mary is there so she can 'watch' him and know if he needs help or passes out again. He usually will wait, however, until she has gone home before he ventures out. It concerns us that mother cannot hear him when he calls her. At least she hasn't yet when he has passed out twice before. Even if she DID hear him, we know she could not help him get up and we wonder if she would even know how to go back in the house to call 911 or any of her girls. Here again, if God takes our daddy while he is in the yard, we are okay with this and we will praise His name for taking daddy on to Heaven. I talk big -- like we have quit worrying about him. I'm not fooling anyone -- we still worry. We just don't know what else to do. Is this a pleasure that we should keep trying to deprive him of in his last days or should we just let him alone to enjoy himself in his own yard? We will continue to take care of him when he cuts off an arm, or breaks a hip, or has a concussion from a fall. We just love him but we admit to wanting to strangle him sometimes. Is God testing us? Hmmmmmm .................
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Bringing you to this point --
Hello -
I have proceeded to set up a blog space so as to have a journal of 'happenings' in my life. Currently, the main subject will be devoted to my precious and dear parents, Jack & Eula. I want to bring you up to date which may take me several postings. To begin with, my dad is 93.5 years old. He is in fairly decent physical health for his age, but his mind is beginning to forget a whole lot of stuff he use to be able to handle. Dad is very hard of hearing but refuses to wear his hearing aid. His three daughters are convinced that it is a 'vain' issue with him. He also has macular degeneration and has very poor eyesight. He is dependent upon his caregiver, Mary, to drive him wherever he needs to go for whatever reason. His driver's license was revoked after his situation was brought to the attention of the DMV by his three girls. (We're in the picture.) This continues to be a very sore subject with him and he holds it against us even though he says he is 'okay' with it and knows he doesn't need to be driving. More on this particular issue later.
Mother just turned 88 years old this month and she suffers with alzheimer's disease. She needs help with about every aspect of daily life although she seems fairly happy and content to merely sit in her recliner and cut out pictures from magazines. She tapes them on the wall for all to enjoy. There are old Christmas cards mixed in with pictures of dogs, cats, flowers, scenery, etc. It's her home and her wall so who cares if it makes her happy. Mother has trouble walking but has to this date refused to let us put her in the transport chair we bought. She is not an invalid, she just can't walk and we are terrible daughters for asking her to embarrasse herself and just ride in the chair. More on this topic later too ----
I could go on and on. I sit here thinking of things to tell you about and I'm getting excited about the prospect of letting all this emotion 'out'. You are going to be my sounding board -- dear blog spot.
All for now ----
I have proceeded to set up a blog space so as to have a journal of 'happenings' in my life. Currently, the main subject will be devoted to my precious and dear parents, Jack & Eula. I want to bring you up to date which may take me several postings. To begin with, my dad is 93.5 years old. He is in fairly decent physical health for his age, but his mind is beginning to forget a whole lot of stuff he use to be able to handle. Dad is very hard of hearing but refuses to wear his hearing aid. His three daughters are convinced that it is a 'vain' issue with him. He also has macular degeneration and has very poor eyesight. He is dependent upon his caregiver, Mary, to drive him wherever he needs to go for whatever reason. His driver's license was revoked after his situation was brought to the attention of the DMV by his three girls. (We're in the picture.) This continues to be a very sore subject with him and he holds it against us even though he says he is 'okay' with it and knows he doesn't need to be driving. More on this particular issue later.
Mother just turned 88 years old this month and she suffers with alzheimer's disease. She needs help with about every aspect of daily life although she seems fairly happy and content to merely sit in her recliner and cut out pictures from magazines. She tapes them on the wall for all to enjoy. There are old Christmas cards mixed in with pictures of dogs, cats, flowers, scenery, etc. It's her home and her wall so who cares if it makes her happy. Mother has trouble walking but has to this date refused to let us put her in the transport chair we bought. She is not an invalid, she just can't walk and we are terrible daughters for asking her to embarrasse herself and just ride in the chair. More on this topic later too ----
I could go on and on. I sit here thinking of things to tell you about and I'm getting excited about the prospect of letting all this emotion 'out'. You are going to be my sounding board -- dear blog spot.
All for now ----
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